All credit to The Borowitz Report.

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Scientists Say Knicks Are No Longer a Basketball Team
Prague Conference Demotes New York Team to Dwarf Status

Just weeks after a conference of scientists determined that Pluto was not a planet after all, the same scientists reconvened in Prague today to pronounce that the New York Knicks were not a basketball team.

Sports fans have suspected over the last few seasons that the original decision to characterize the Knicks as an actual NBA team may have been in error, but today's announcement by the scientists seemed to remove all remaining shreds of doubt.

"While the New York Knicks possess some qualities that are consistent with a basketball team, we have come to the conclusion that they are something else entirely," said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo. "It would be more accurate to call the Knicks a dwarf team."

Dr. Kyosuke said it was "understandable" that scientists had assumed that the Knicks were a basketball team for so many years, because they exhibited behavior similar to such teams, such as moving around a basketball court in a seemingly organized manner and hurling an orange spherical object.

"However, they failed to exhibit two properties common to all basketball teams," Dr. Kyosuke said. "Scoring points and winning games."

In New York, Knicks coach Isiah Thomas welcomed the reassessment of the Knicks, saying that being designated a dwarf team represented a unique opportunity for the franchise: "If this means that now we can play against actual dwarves, maybe we'll start winning."

Elsewhere, Mel Gibson blasted California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for making disparaging comments about blacks and Latinos, calling his remarks "incomplete."