Andy Borowitz reports on a misguided effort to appease critics on U.S. war policy.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today acknowledged that the United States often flies terror suspects to foreign countries to be interrogated by means not allowed in the U.S., but said that the government was instituting a new program by which the suspects would receive frequent flier miles for their journeys.

Insiders say that the government’s new Terror Rewards™ program may be intended to make the practice of rendering – by which suspects are shuttled from country to country for the purpose of interrogation and torture – more palatable to the international community.......

He said that due to the volume of former terror suspects calling the customer service helpline to redeem their awards, the wait time is often “interminable.”

“I was put on hold for over forty-five minutes yesterday,” Mr. Hawass said. “Talk about torture.”

Ouch.